It don't like to think of the future, it comes soon enough

As you may or may not, if your blind, noticed. My weight has rocketed over the past year. I have put on 5 stone in 2 years. Which is a fuckin lot. I'm 21 and won't take a photograph from the neck down. I almost cry everytime I pick a shirt out of my closet. In the past 5 years I've went from an XS to an XL. I've definitely avoided the situation and made jokes about it, secretly hoping it would sort itself out, until now. I really want this and I think it's a pretty good time do something about it before it goes to far.
I want to go travelling next year and don't want to have to think about where a camera is pointing. I want to be comfortable. I understand all the health benefits too, but I'm doing this for no other reason than vanity. That and I want to be able to fit into the clothes I've spent fucking 1000's of pounds on. I'm pretty sure I'm ready to do this and there's no better time than right now. I can cook, I like eating healthily and I have a gym membership. There's no excuses anymore. It's going to be a long ass journey, but I invite you to accompany me. I'll write lots of stuff up here, probably a lot of pissed off posting but a lot of stuff I'm doing to sort this out too, which probably won't be overly interesting but we don't write these things for anyone else, well I don't anyway.




Here's a picture I took of a couple of lemurs chilling out, enjoy the cute little fuckers. I do.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Fusehill St,Carlisle,United Kingdom

Smile though your face is cracking

After working in retail for a few years and doing bar work I've made a really valuable discovery... now, gird your loins and brace yourself... a smile costs nothing. Literally nothing, not a fuckin' penny.

That said, you think every time I flashed my frickin nashers I was asking for a tenner. That, however is not the case. All I ask is that in your inebriated state you manage to turn the corners of your mouth up and muster a small, minute, TINY even...smile. After all, I'm standing here until 3am helping you to have a fuckin' awesome night. No tip, no smile, just a casual toss of whatever coins are left from your JSA cheque.

So that being said here are 10 reasons to smile...

1. Smiling Makes Us Attractive

Normally we gravitate towards people who smile. It is the first thing that attracts us to a person. We all want to know a fucker who's always got a smile on and more than that we want to know why they're smiling and if we can have some. Nobody wants to approach some bitch with a frown -- but a smile draws them in and let's be honest here, given your inability to dress yourself without showing the world your bikini wax rash... you need something to ensure you still have friends at the end of the night... cuz you lost your dignity the minute your vagina ate your underwear and any surrounding matter.

2. Smiling boosts your mood

Next time you catch your partner fingering Cheryl from the corner shop, try putting on a smile. There's a good chance you mood will change for the better. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood and trick your brain into thinking your boyfriends not a douchebag.

3. Smiling Is Contagious

When someone is smiling they lighten up the room, change the moods of others, and make things happier. A smiling person brings happiness with them. Smile lots and you will draw people to you. A smile is catching, but remember kids. So is chlamydia.

4. Smiling Relieves Stress

Stress can really show up in our faces, especially when you've dropped 5 ecstasy tablets consecutively. Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, overwhelmed, and off your fucking tits... but try not to look like a rapists. That shit gets you thrown out bars.

5. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System

Smiling helps the immune system to work better... and AIDS attack it... So given the height of the girls skirt you just fingered in the toilets and the looseness of your belt you should probably start to do a hell of a lot of smiling.
N.B. AIDS is not curable by smiling

6. Smiling Lowers Your Blood Pressure

When you smile, there is a measurable reduction in your blood pressure. So after you've drank the bar dry of vodka and redbull and your heart feels like it's trying to jump ship. Smile. Give it a try if you have a blood pressure monitor at home. Sit for a few minutes, take a reading, take a shot, then smile for a minute and take another reading while still smiling. Do you notice a difference? or are you too fucked up to read?

7. Smiling Releases Endorphins, Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin

Studies have shown that smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers, and serotonin. Together these three make us feel good. Smiling is a natural drug. But given the amount of man made drugs you have coursing through your battered veins you probably don't give a fuck.

8. Smiling Lifts the Face and Makes You Look Younger

The muscles we use to smile lift the face, making a person appear younger. You look like crap and it's probably too late for you so I'd just skip the fuck to point 9.

9. Smiling Makes You Seem Successful

Smiling people appear more confident, are more likely to be successful and more likely to be approached. So put on a smile at your court meeting and people will react to you differently. You might not even get a curfew. and remember to always smile after that lady has let you finger launch her on the dance floor. That smile will let her know you're a real gentleman and she'll feel real fancy.

10. Smiling Helps You Stay Positive

Try this test; I understand however that the only test you'll be used to is the kinda test that let's you know your baby maker is turned on. So the test goes like this. Smile -- now think of something negative, I imagine it'd be something like how irritating it was when you look at the bar and there's no blue VS left. It should prove difficult as smiling let's our body's know that we are feeling fuckin' awesome! It sends our brain "life is good" messages, so even after those negative thoughts you still feel peachy fuckin' keen!!

So remember... Smile.




Here's a picture of me smiling my fucking face off... I hope you catch it my little silver nippled unicorn flowers.

People at the gym

PISS ME OFF!
I seriously had to psych myself up to go to the gym tonight, eat a raw egg, shout at myself in the mirror, slap my face. All that shit. Standard.

So I got to the gym, I pretty much exhausted myself walking there, so that was my warm up.

I filled my water bottle up, walked to the oscillator. Started striding. Cranked the level up to 15 and started my work out...

10 minutes in and I was SWEATING LIKE A BITCH.
I was slipping all over the machine, loosing my grip on the handles, loosing my feet. I was wheezing, coughing. I mean sweat was POURING from every pore I lawfully own. My iPhone is probably water damaged.

THEN this guy walks on to the machine right beside me, plugs his headphones in, puts on BBC news and starts casually striding along like it's a Sunday walk. LOOKS OVER AT ME in bewilderment as to why I'm sweating like a fucking mong... LET ME TELL YOU WHY!!

Because I know where the level button is...

here's a picture of me after the gym

I'm a fuckin monster



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Carlisle Centre

Train Etiquette

I find Britain, in general, to be a particularly rude nation. One filled with delusions of grandeur and a ferociously strange sense of patriotism. Particularly abroad, with a union jack adorning nearly everything they've brought and almost always wearing an England football shirt by the pool, wailing some obscenity across the waters.
I shan't tar the entire nation with the same red, White and blue brush though as I know and have met some wonderful English people who aren't like that at all... but what I've really noticed this summer is that some have no sense of 'train ettiquette' at all. I feel that there is a few rules that should be adhered by everyone.

- When boarding a train, wait for the passengers coming off to actually get off. DON'T squash them into the door. I feel this is particularly important whilst you're scrambling on with two suitcases, you mong.

- DON'T at any time stand in the middle of that tiny isle and rifle through your bag looking for a book whilst I am standing behind you with a heavy ass bag. Sit the fuck down and put your bag on your knee like everyone else and let me get the funk to my seat.

- DON'T take up a seat by putting a bag on it, this rule only really applies on a busy train, as I love spreading myself on an empty train.

- If I can hear your voice above my music you're talking too loud.

- DON'T play music from the speaker on your phone - nobody wants to hear some Tiesto trance anthem from 2001 at 9am in the morning - you're not cool, and you should definitely buy headphones... So I don't have to wrap mine around your neck.

- When you get headphones, DON'T turn the volume up fully. I still don't want to hear your music and it's detrimental to your hearing.

- DON'T sit on a seat on a busy train, if it says reserved. The burly blonde woman who reserved that seat, who by the way, will be twice the size of your dad, is going to come and claim her seat, cause a commotion and harsh my mellow train ride... that I've just paid £50 for.

- DO help an old lady who has a hump back with her luggage. It's nice, free, good karma points and she'll send you blessings the rest of the week. If you're really lucky and she's just been to the post office she might even give you a fiver. The latter part of the comment is not certified.

-DON'T wait for the fiver with your hand out, it tends to be embarrassing for both parties.

- DON'T spray deodorant in the carriage. If you smell that bad that it cannot wait to the next station... Get off your ass and go to the fucking bathroom. I don't want to see your poorly shaven armpit haven or smell your 'Charlie Red' lingering for the next hour.

- DON'T get on the quiet carriage If you can't shut the fuck up... Or worse if you have a screaming child.

- if you've been travelling all day and you're tired, that's fine... but don't expect train snuggles from me, and don't act surprised if I push your head into the window when you lay your head on my shoulder.

-DON'T eat on a train if you can't do it politely. I don't want to see you devouring a sandwich like you haven't had food in 10 weeks, and im sure the person in front of you dry heaving doesn't either.

- DON'T take up two seats if your of a larger stature... Sit in the vestibule like the animal you've eaten.

- DON'T smell like cat piss

Finally
When exiting the train

- DO let people get out of their seats and don't cause congestion in the isle. You have to keep the seat traffic flowing and let out a few people every so often, otherwise I'm going to miss my fucking stop.

I think that if we all followed these simple rules I would have a much more pleasant train ride.




Here's a picture of me spreading my shit on a table.

Over and out
Rwoe

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Station Approach,Durham,United Kingdom

Avez vous disrespect your girlfriend?

You know what really fucking pisses me off... Guys who disrespect their girlfriends. Who take them out and leave them at the bar all night alone, or for example tonight, leave to go to the bathroom, take some e's and stay there for 20 minutes to come up... anyone who knows me will know I've got a very relaxed view on drugs... but not when you leave your poor girlfriend sitting at the bar on her own for 20 minutes whilst you stay in the fucking bathroom with two other guys. It's a bit gay and rude. In any situation if it's between friends or whatever, you just don't leave someone sitting at a bar by themselves for 20 minutes whilst you get fucked up. Get fucked up at home or let your girl go out with her girlfriends... not walk around a club looking for people she might know. It's embarrassing for her, embarrassing for you and embarrassing to watch. Guys like that should have tattoos saying "approach with caution I probably gave your mother syphillis then left her alone at a bar"

On another note. There was a bucking bronco bull thing at work tonight... which I didn't get to ride. BUT, and I wish I'd snapped this. This huge girl, I know it's cruel, but being tactful doesn't make her any thinner. She was pretty big, but she kept trying to get on the bull... she failed...6 times before giving up. Imagine beth ditto trying to swing her leg over a fence... It was worse than that... then to add to the poor girls humiliation the DJ started to play 'I like big butts'... Needless to say she threw her leg up one last time, fell backwards one last time and waddled over to the dance floor where she proceeded to grind against a wall to baby got back.
It really was something. I don't mind being a little blunt in her description because I know her and she's a scumbag, she's the type of girl who'd let you poke her vagina for a meat and potato pie.




anyway.
Here's a picture of the bull. Unfortunately without the large girl.

I have work tomorrow at 10am so I'm going to eat a piece of chicken and cry about my life.

Over and Out
RwoeBUCK

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Botchergate,Carlisle,United Kingdom

I'm now at work, and as anticipated I am busting out of a chequered shirt. Well, it doesn't close so I'm not even fortunate enough to be busting out. I'm barely in it.
It's quiet and I'm upstairs on my own... Cheeky bar wank? No... Cheeky shot? No... ALL THE FREE DRAUGHT COLA I CAN HANDLE....hear that ?? That's the sound of a thousand jealous Cumbrians and 500 angry Orthodontists. It's good I don't hold such high regards for my nashers (I'll obviously get those done along with the lipo)...
The music has stopped and it all feels very awkward so here's a picture of my view


You'll notice the mess I made pretending I could fix the fosters pump...





and here is me not fitting into my shirt trying to look wilder than John Wayne in the west. POW POW

Over and Out
RwoeBUCK

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Party Party, Carlisle,United Kingdom

I shot the sheriff

But I did not shot the deputy...
Times are tough man, I'm going to work in a bar again. Then I'm working all day tomorrow then at night then all day Sunday and Sunday night again... I must have been one bad mother fucker in a past life to have to work this hard in this one. As a wise woman once said though... You can't have a money machine and complain it hurts to turn the handle. I'm joking of course and I only work 12 hours a week and have 745 credit cards that are all maxed. So I pretty much deserve to have to work this much to pay for things I bought last year. It is Wild West theme at work though. Imma go as a bareback mountain cowboy, lasso some horses and pour some pints looking fly. When I say fly I mean busting out of a chequered shirt and a pair of stonewash jeans because all I've done this summer is eat...everything. Seriously. I'm shocked I didn't eat my entire family and loot a potato field when I was back home. I'm like fuckin Houdini... set it down and a few seconds later it's gone. I could just go to the gym, but with such a hectic lifestyle and working 12 hours every week it's hard to find the time. So I'd rather just work two jobs pay off my credit cards and max them out gettin lipo (as if anywhere is going to give me that much credit after this year)
On a serious note though I should probably shift my sorry ass to the gym I've paid for for the last 6 months.

I also start back at uni in a month, choreographing a dance piece. I'm definitely going to look like Dawn French in a morph suit. Fit.

I'm going to shower before work. I say that like it's unusual...

It is.










Here's a picture of a pink TV.
enjoy it, the owner's reclaiming it next week.

Over and Out.
RwoeBUCK

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Furze St,Carlisle,United Kingdom